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[Dec 23, 2008 - 3:28am] |
I'm starting to feel whole again. It's taken me awhile, but I've decided that I'm just going to take things as they come and deal with struggles as they're happening. No more preparing for the worst and hoping for the best. No... that's not me anymore. Playing it safe never really got me anywhere, and I'm liking the direction my life is heading in right now. I'm motivated to go to school and plan on following through this time. Jenn and I have been talking a lot about it lately and we both decided that in the current state of the economy, we aren't going to find much better jobs than what we have now if we even find jobs. I mean... Taco Bell is good to me, I just don't like to acknowledge it.
As far as the other aspects of my life... they're all going pretty well. There are a few guys that I've been talking to, but there's one that's constantly on my mind. I don't really know where that's going and right now I don't care. I like where things are and I wouldn't have them any other way.
I'm happy. Still.
The new year is a week away and I'm thinking that it might actually be a good one. If not, at least it's going to start off well. Fuck it. The last 2 years have been shit so even if only half of 2009 is good, that's fine with me.
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[Jun 22, 2008 - 11:21pm] |
I think it's finally hit me that I'm never going to achieve what I say I'm going to. I keep telling myself and everyone around me that when the time is right, everything is just going to fall into place. How myself or anyone else believed that bullshit is beyond me. In fact, I'm no closer to fulfillment than I was a year ago. I've only strayed further away from my goals. I have absolutely no motivation to even live anymore. Normal things like waking up and going to the bathroom just annoy me. It's almost like I just don't want to exist anymore. I know it's not that easy, but just suddenly not existing anymore would be the perfect solution to my problems. Call it what you will, I'm not saying that I'm going to try and kill myself (though I'm also not saying that I'm not), I'm just saying... if I just didn't exist anymore things would be so much better. I keep thinking about how much happier I was a few years ago even though at the time I thought my life sucked. I think I just miss it so much because when I fucked up then, it was just me being a kid. Now, it's like I have to watch everything that I say and do because I'm responsible for my actions. Oddly enough, all the things that I thought I'd outgrow are turning around to bite me in the ass. I have a serious problem that I need to address but until I do, there's no hope for things getting better. I don't like doing things alone, but I feel like no matter what I do I'm alone. I don't trust anyone at all. Even if it seems like I trust someone, I don't. I can't. I've never been able to fully trust someone and lately it seems like I never will. I'm surrounded by liars and fakes. I mean... sure I can be fake, but it just feels like EVERYONE these days is fake. I'm just about done with it and with everyone.
I wasn't prepared for this. Nobody ever prepared me for the real world and although to most it seems like I'm still living in this false world, I'm not. Every morning I wake up and am disappointed at the fact that I did. I hate myself. I can't even look in the mirror without being totally disgusted. It's like the person I've become is someone right out of a horror movie. I look the way I feel too. I always used to have at least that going for me, but lately I've been looking as shitty as I feel every day. I don't shave anymore because again... it's a chore and I have no reason to get myself done up. I don't have a job, nor do I have a significant other to impress. I really am alone. The funny part is, I've spent my whole life trying to avoid being alone and in the end... I'm still alone. Nobody cares anymore. Everybody has given up on me much like I've given up on myself. I can't say that it upsets me though because I had it coming. Everything that has been happening to me I've had coming. I wasn't a good person and this is how the world is repaying me. Fuck it... I know I've fucked up and I know I still fuck up on a regular basis, but it doesn't mean that I'm a bad person. Then again... who am I trying to convince? You? no way... because I don't care what you think. I need to start convincing myself that I'm not a worthless piece of shit because if I don't get that through my head soon, I might just kill myself. I really am pathetic. I sit here and vent like it matters... like anyone is going to read this and think anything other than "attention whore."
I've just given up on living. It's gotten to a point where it doesn't matter whether or not I'm alive because I'm useless. I drive around all day and do nothing productive. I steal money and live large on someone else's dime. It's sickening. I want to change, but it's not as easy as it seems to everyone. I don't want it badly enough.
This is the part where I tell you that I'm going to be disappearing again and I may or may not come back. Who knows? That's something that I'll leave up to time to tell.
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| Posted using TxtLJ |
[Apr 21, 2007 - 7:12pm] |
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Lol that statue has a peen.
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[Dec 07, 2006 - 10:38pm] |
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Alright... so basically, I hate winters. Don't get me wrong. New England looks beautiful when it's dusted with snow and it's got the icy wind that you can almost see when you look. It's lovely to look at through a picture and even to experience at least once, but I'm so sick of them. Would anyone like to trade places this winter?
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[Nov 23, 2006 - 1:06am] |
I've been thinking a lot lately. I've been thinking about identity. What defines a person? What sets them apart from the rest? I mean... everyone has their own unique qualities that make them different. I just don't understand why so many people choose to conform. It's like a mystery. Another key part of your identity is sexuality. However, the more I think about it, the more I realize that it's nothing more than another way to define you. Whenever someone describes me, it usually sounds something like this: "Tall, brown hair, gay, went out with ::insert name here::." Now... if you take the word sexuality and break it down to its definition; sexual character, you begin to see how its importance diminishes. We've been brought up to know gay and straight, but there's so much more to it than that. The human being is far too complex to be able to have so many people fit into these TWO categories. I mean... you could be asexual, pansexual, anthrosexual, homosexual, bisexual, heterosexual, etc. A person shouldn't be defined by their sex lives. Personally, I can honestly say that I enjoy sex with both genders. That makes me bisexual in the most literal sense of the word. However, it's difficult for me to fall in love with a female. Males are easier for me to grow attached and attracted to. One may also argue that sex does mean love and therefore, your sexual preference ties directly into your character. Do I become a different person when I kiss a guy versus kissing a girl? NO! Why not? Because it's just a kiss. I know when sex means something and I know when it doesn't. I've never had meaningful sex with a female which leads me to believe that while they're a great place to ease my sexual frustrations, I'm much more attracted to males.
So... does sexuality truly exist? My answer would have to be yes. It exists solely to define a person based on the kind of sex they have. So how do we define our hearts? The truth is, we shouldn't have to label ourselves or define ourselves. It's ridiculous to think that I'm only gay because I like males. What if it were called something else? What if it were called.... tree? Would it make any difference, or would I still just be tree, or gay, or whatever? Probably not.
Stop trying to judge people based on who they love. I love males. There's no denying that, ever. However, I don't think it's fair that that labels me. I'm still sexually attracted to women, just not emotionally.
I guess this won't make much sense to most of you, but I had to get it out of my system.
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[Aug 26, 2006 - 1:57am] |
Alright. I use this journal for my more private thoughts, but what happens when I run out of things to say.
If any of you recall my updates about me not having been myself, those days are behind me. I'm finally starting to be myself and accept life the way it is. I'm actually happy. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to have someone to be with and shit, but as far as life goes, it's really good.
I finally have my license.
I can finally get a job.
I'm gonna start going to school.
I think I'm going to make a list of things I want to accomplish this school year.
- GO TO SCHOOL, don't skip mad days. FAILED MISERABLY
- PASS MY CLASSES AND GET MY CREDITS, don't stay back again. INEVITABLE
- GET INTO A LASTING RELATIONSHIP, find someone I'm truly happy with and stick with them. IN PROGRESS
- GET GOOD GRADES, do my homework, pass assignments in on time. NEGATIVE
- EAT HEALTHIER. This doesn't have much to do with school, but I'd like to start eating healthier. KIND OF
- WORK OUT, get abs so that I can have a kick-ass summer and do things I'd normally be too self-conscious to do. HAHAHAHA NO!
- SAVE MONEY, put aside some money for shit I want. PFFT... WHAT MONEY?!?
- REINVENT MYSELF, I want to reinvent myself inside and out. IN PROGRESS
I'll keep you posted on this list.
UPDATE:
As of April 2007, I withdrew from high school. In September 2007, I began working full-time. I still haven't managed to save much money. I've lost more weight and gained some back. I'm basically a whole new person. Hell, you wouldn't even recognize me anymore.
It's now almost January 2009 and I'm happy to say that although I haven't achieved all of those things on that list, I like the direction my life has taken. I'm excited to see what good things lie ahead and I'm ready to take on challenges. The goal is to make 2009 a year for big change. Let's see if I actually manage to do it this time.
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| FRIENDS ONLY |
[Jul 29, 2006 - 10:53pm] |
This is my dream journal. I'll only be writing about my dreams here.
you know the drill.
Comment to be added but add me first!
♥
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